ever since the fire went out.

i am...hmmm...i am....bored? no. not exactly. mostly unhappyish, with a side of flux.

that's not precisely what i wanted to say, but it is, perhaps, closer than normal. well, as far as livejournal dumbshittery goes, at any rate.

i don't post in here much, anymore. i feel like maybe i ought to keep my own counsel at times, even when i just want to spit things out. i feel like i need to keep my proverbial mouth shut, to make sure this page stays clean and acceptable. i don't think that is necessarily the reason behind things like this. i, at least, know that this was never the original reason for this, for here. in the beginning it was a way to keep in contact with others who had jumped ship, other refugees, as it were, from the vomitorium.

ah, yes....the vomitorium. heady, silly days, i suppose. without the vom, i wouldn't have two of the most wonderful people in the world in my life. for that? fuck yes, i am thankful. the triumvirate....the three of us clicked, and all was well. you are correct, sir geordie, you missed out. THAT night was fabulous, in a million tiny ways. i wish we had the chance to approximate that sort of brilliance again, but i fear the moment is gone. sadly, but inevitably the clock moves on, the hands keep fucking moving.....even when i don't want them to.

A & B--indeed. the two of you have always been fabulousness personified. one only can wish it ever comes to fruition and an person, flesh and blood meeting occurs someday.

hrm.

yes. i seem to have lost my original thread here....i suppose that means a new thread is needed, a new direction.

so much has gone by in the last 8 years. i've made, and lost, some really good friends. i've moved 3,000 miles blindly, gotten married, had a child, had some nervous breakdowns, lost more friends and relatives to death than i want to dwell upon....man. i still don't know what the fuck i am doing. when comes the absolute? where do you find the truth? when comes the end of the indecision and pain?

when what why why why?

does it just come down to 'why me?'?? i don't know. i am cleaned out in the answer department.

where do we go now, but nowhere?

i feel like i was more vivid somehow, back then. like i was once technicolour, and am now merely black and white. faded sepia, at best. faded, less alive....just an echo, maybe.

back to my original point...yes. this...whole thing. this non-private outing of everything. originally i kept it true, everything public, exactly what was going on at the time, all my feelings, everything.

no.

EVERYTHING.

but then, people started to get in. the real life persons started becoming upset, annoyed, etc, with my stupid little words.

at that point, it stops being one's own, i think. it starts becoming nothing. perhaps, less than nothing. without honesty, what are we? what good is this place?

(crossed from the eljay)